But this doesn\u2019t happen, does it? In the never ending struggle to manage our limited daily resources of time and energy, caregivers don\u2019t prioritize self care. Instead, they put the needs of those they love (understandably) before their own\u2026 and by choice!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Part of the reason why this behavior IS so understandable is because society reinforces and rewards these poor choices. Selfless caregivers are viewed as the ultimate role-models, while those who even THINK about putting their own needs before those of a parent\/child\/spouse are given eye-rolls and public shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not right. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you are a long-term caregiver, you must prioritize your own needs to survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Remember those instructions printed on the seat pocket card in airplanes? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"\/](\"https:\/\/lh6.googleusercontent.com\/saRMryqBB6rRLxiVdoIJ4Y2q3-LiPDGlf-__a-Da-IrNKpGK8qizuADcOh6pnDfwzV6tQaHG2nVNoVmnYjXA_UH5qk2ZassEaavgPCF4b12oIamvaCfLiam9EZjH6JumF71PfUxd\")
<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n\u201cIn the event of a loss of cabin pressure, masks will drop from a compartment above your head. Pull your mask toward you to start oxygen flowing and place over YOUR mouth and nose FIRST before helping those next to you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Why are you instructed to put your own mask on first?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because if you don\u2019t, you run the risk of passing out from hypoxia, and then you\u2019ll never be able to help those who are unable to help themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The moral of the story? (I know, airplane disasters are not everyday life, but hear me out\u2026)<\/p>\n\n\n\n We are best able to help others when we take care of our own basic needs, first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, before you click away or leave a comment saying that I have no idea what I am talking about, let me assure you that I do. As a family physician, I have seen more than one well meaning\/loving\/well intentioned friend\/lover\/child\/parent sacrifice their own health and wellness in the quest to heal\/care for\/comfort a loved one. And where did those choices eventually lead? Not to a healthy outcome. Even the best intentioned caregivers were left in situations where no one got better, and everyone suffered tremendously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, ask me (as a caregiver, not a doctor) if I take my own advice?<\/p>\n\n\n\n The answer is no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being able to recognize the need for self care does not mean that I’m any good at it. Like many other moms\/spouses\/daughters I know, I \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n -stay up late (long after everyone else is fed, tucked in, packed for tomorrow) to either finish whatever HAS to be done before the next day or to sit and worry about whatever is unfinishable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n -prioritize others\u2019 errands before my own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n -serve myself food last.<\/p>\n\n\n\n -move appointments that I\u2019ve made for myself to make room for ones needed by others in my family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n -choose to buy certain groceries that I don\u2019t like because I know my family prefers them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n -put off exercising so that I can do things for someone else first. Hell, I even HOLD IT longer than I really should so that I can answer one more question or do one more thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What. Am. I. Doing?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I know what I THINK I\u2019m doing; I think I\u2019m being a good caregiver. But I\u2019m not. Sure, I\u2019m running around and doing lots of stuff for other people, but by willingly not caring for myself, I\u2019m actually adding stress to the hearts of those I love. And then, THEY see ME as the one needing care, not the other way around! It\u2019s a perfectly imperfect circle of love; I care for you above all else, you care for me above all else, and we both worry about each other overdoing it \u2026 while actively overdoing it. Everyone ignores their own needs while attending to the self-ignored needs of the other, and\u2026 well\u2026 we are all left exhausted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n AmIRight?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, I know that we don\u2019t all have the same family systems\/resources\/expectations, but the overarching desire to care for someone is undeniably universal. If we are able to recognize the importance of self care for others, we have to be willing to give ourselves permission to do the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It isn\u2019t selfish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It is essential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember, the most important thing you can do as a caregiver is to take care of yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Self care doesn\u2019t have to be some big huge activity. It could be as simple as taking 10 seconds to close your eyes and breathe before moving onto your next task. It might be putting on some super soft socks when you brush your teeth at bedtime. It could be closing the door to the bathroom when you pee. You choose. I\u2019m starting with reciting the internal mantra, \u201cbe nicer to yourself\u201d. I know that I usually speak to myself with heaping disappointment, and so I\u2019ve decided that being nicer to myself is the essential foundation for my self-care practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But it has to start with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All caregiving has to start with care of the self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Who wants to start with me?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The most important thing you can do as a caregiver is to take care of yourself. Let the statement sit for a moment in your head and your heart\u2026 because it\u2019s important. The most important thing you can do as a caregiver is to take care of yourself. But this doesn\u2019t happen, does it? In […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":586,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[6,1],"tags":[18,17,22,21,24,23,19,20],"class_list":["post-587","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family","category-random-subjects","tag-care-giving","tag-caregiver","tag-caregiver-burnout","tag-caregiving","tag-child-care","tag-elder-care","tag-self-care","tag-self-love"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6ZedX-9t","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":515,"url":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?p=515","url_meta":{"origin":587,"position":0},"title":"Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019!","author":"Melissa","date":"January 1, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"The view from my rearview mirror... Resolution#1 \u2013 don\u2019t wait for something to be perfect before you launch it into the world. Happy New Year\u2019s Eve. Hard to believe that 2018 is almost in the rear-view mirror, isn\u2019t it? When they tell you that life goes by faster with age,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random Subjects"","block_context":{"text":"Random Subjects","link":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_117.jpg?fit=750%2C746&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_117.jpg?fit=750%2C746&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_117.jpg?fit=750%2C746&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_117.jpg?fit=750%2C746&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":157,"url":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?p=157","url_meta":{"origin":587,"position":1},"title":"Something New","author":"Melissa","date":"January 25, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 Have you ever wanted to try something new, but were too scared to do it? Did you ever put your fear aside and choose to do it anyway? Did you succeed? Did you fail? \u00a0 Here are my answers: Yes. Yes. Yes and No. Yes and No. \u00a0 This\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random Subjects"","block_context":{"text":"Random Subjects","link":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_8214.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_8214.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_8214.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_8214.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_8214.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":220,"url":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?p=220","url_meta":{"origin":587,"position":2},"title":"To-do List","author":"Melissa","date":"June 4, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 I don\u2019t know about you, but my life has been crazy lately. Well, it feels like that, anyway. You know what I\u2019m talking about. You\u2019ve got a to-do list humming along, and then everything falls apart because life hurls a bunch of unexpected events into your day. Sometimes I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random Subjects"","block_context":{"text":"Random Subjects","link":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/IMG_9219.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/IMG_9219.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/IMG_9219.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/IMG_9219.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/IMG_9219.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":148,"url":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?p=148","url_meta":{"origin":587,"position":3},"title":"Leilani","author":"Melissa","date":"January 11, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 When I was six years old we went to Hawaii for a family vacation and stayed at a magical resort where my parents honeymooned, the Coco Palms. 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My favorite show had\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random Subjects"","block_context":{"text":"Random Subjects","link":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_5153.jpg?fit=874%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_5153.jpg?fit=874%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_5153.jpg?fit=874%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/IMG_5153.jpg?fit=874%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":262,"url":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?p=262","url_meta":{"origin":587,"position":4},"title":"Exercises in Conversation","author":"Melissa","date":"November 29, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 My local Target store has self-service kiosks. They look helpful, but if you have used one you already know that they don\u2019t work at least 50% of the time. You inevitably end up standing at a lane with a blinking \u201chelp me\u201d light, and it takes FOR-EV-ER for someone\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random Subjects"","block_context":{"text":"Random Subjects","link":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"target-self-checkout-screen-scanner-506x675","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/target-self-checkout-screen-scanner-506x675-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":554,"url":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?p=554","url_meta":{"origin":587,"position":5},"title":"Cher!","author":"Melissa","date":"June 6, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Such an amazing concert! CHER! Guess what I recently did? I saw Cher in concert AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I have a long history of mad love for Cher. I loved her in the Sonny and Cher show when I was a little kid, wishing on every star in the sky that I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random Subjects"","block_context":{"text":"Random Subjects","link":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/?cat=1"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/IMG_0304.jpg?fit=899%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/IMG_0304.jpg?fit=899%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/IMG_0304.jpg?fit=899%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/IMG_0304.jpg?fit=899%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.peanutmark.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_1c2.jpg?fit=768%2C1024&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/587","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=587"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/587\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":594,"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/587\/revisions\/594"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/586"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=587"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=587"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.peanutmark.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=587"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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