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Caregiver Care 101

Posted on Aug 23, 2019 by in Family, Random Subjects | 1 comment

The most important thing you can do as a caregiver is to take care of yourself.

Let the statement sit for a moment in your head and your heart… because it’s important.

The most important thing you can do as a caregiver is to take care of yourself.

But this doesn’t happen, does it? In the never ending struggle to manage our limited daily resources of time and energy, caregivers don’t prioritize self care. Instead, they put the needs of those they love (understandably) before their own… and by choice!

Part of the reason why this behavior IS so understandable is because society reinforces and rewards these poor choices. Selfless caregivers are viewed as the ultimate role-models, while those who even THINK about putting their own needs before those of a parent/child/spouse are given eye-rolls and public shame.

It’s not right.

If you are a long-term caregiver, you must prioritize your own needs to survive.

Remember those instructions printed on the seat pocket card in airplanes?

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, masks will drop from a compartment above your head. Pull your mask toward you to start oxygen flowing and place over YOUR mouth and nose FIRST before helping those next to you.”

Why are you instructed to put your own mask on first?

Because if you don’t, you run the risk of passing out from hypoxia, and then you’ll never be able to help those who are unable to help themselves.

The moral of the story? (I know, airplane disasters are not everyday life, but hear me out…)

We are best able to help others when we take care of our own basic needs, first.

Now, before you click away or leave a comment saying that I have no idea what I am talking about, let me assure you that I do. As a family physician, I have seen more than one well meaning/loving/well intentioned friend/lover/child/parent sacrifice their own health and wellness in the quest to heal/care for/comfort a loved one. And where did those choices eventually lead? Not to a healthy outcome. Even the best intentioned caregivers were left in situations where no one got better, and everyone suffered tremendously.

Now, ask me (as a caregiver, not a doctor) if I take my own advice?

The answer is no.

Being able to recognize the need for self care does not mean that I’m any good at it. Like many other moms/spouses/daughters I know, I …

-stay up late (long after everyone else is fed, tucked in, packed for tomorrow) to either finish whatever HAS to be done before the next day or to sit and worry about whatever is unfinishable.

-prioritize others’ errands before my own.

-serve myself food last.

-move appointments that I’ve made for myself to make room for ones needed by others in my family.

-choose to buy certain groceries that I don’t like because I know my family prefers them.

-put off exercising so that I can do things for someone else first.

Hell, I even HOLD IT longer than I really should so that I can answer one more question or do one more thing.

What. Am. I. Doing?

I know what I THINK I’m doing; I think I’m being a good caregiver. But I’m not. Sure, I’m running around and doing lots of stuff for other people, but by willingly not caring for myself, I’m actually adding stress to the hearts of those I love. And then, THEY see ME as the one needing care, not the other way around!

Oh Melissa. Mmm mmm mmm!

It’s a perfectly imperfect circle of love; I care for you above all else, you care for me above all else, and we both worry about each other overdoing it … while actively overdoing it. Everyone ignores their own needs while attending to the self-ignored needs of the other, and… well… we are all left exhausted.

AmIRight?

Now, I know that we don’t all have the same family systems/resources/expectations, but the overarching desire to care for someone is undeniably universal. If we are able to recognize the importance of self care for others, we have to be willing to give ourselves permission to do the same.

It isn’t selfish.

It is essential.

Remember, the most important thing you can do as a caregiver is to take care of yourself.

Self care doesn’t have to be some big huge activity. It could be as simple as taking 10 seconds to close your eyes and breathe before moving onto your next task. It might be putting on some super soft socks when you brush your teeth at bedtime. It could be closing the door to the bathroom when you pee. You choose. I’m starting with reciting the internal mantra, “be nicer to yourself”. I know that I usually speak to myself with heaping disappointment, and so I’ve decided that being nicer to myself is the essential foundation for my self-care practice.

But it has to start with me.

All caregiving has to start with care of the self.

Who wants to start with me?

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  1. I AM IMPORTANT - Rhodochrosite – Melissa C Mark - […] I finished a PeanutMark blogpost about how caregivers must prioritize self care before they can best look after anyone…

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